Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in the World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.
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It looks like water from the 500-year flood is receding. To put this in perspective, when we last saw a flood this big, 500 years ago, Omaha firefighters and the city were just beginning to negotiate their current contract.
During a campaign stop on Tuesday, Michele Bachmann got Elvis' birthday wrong. It may not sound like a big deal, but that gaffe just cost her Mississippi, Tennessee, Alabama, North and South Carolina and probably Georgia.
Bachmann wished Elvis a happy birthday on the anniversary of his death. Then she rushed off to give a speech lashing out at schools for not teaching history.
I heard one expert who compared joining a new athletic conference to entering a marriage. A conference is a lot like a marriage. Right now I think we can compare the Big 12 to the Jennifer Lopez-Marc Anthony marriage.
At the Iowa State Fair, Rick Perry was photographed eating a pork chop on a stick. Sure, as governor of Texas he's always exploring new ways of implementing the death penalty.
Iowa State Fair officials are trying to lure Omahans by making them feel at home. To make Omahans feel at home they put in a bunch of potholes and detour signs, overpaid their police administrators and temporarily raised taxes.
An animal rights group hung a sign reading "Go Vegan" around the neck of the Iowa State Fair butter cow. I'm sure this will be effective with thousands of fair-goers dropping their fried butter to the ground upon seeing the sign.
As a result, state fair officials have quadrupled security. This is the only nation where our military secrets are available online but there's enormous security surrounding our butter cows.
On his Midwestern bus tour, President Obama is accompanied by something called "the White House Rural Council." It's similar to the "White House Council on Czechoslovakian cheese festivals" only smaller.
Obama kicked off his bus tour in a grassy Minnesota park. The move backfired when reporters noted that sod webworms have a higher approval rating than Obama.
Now Rick Perry is about to begin a cross country bus tour. The president and candidates have created thousands of new jobs — all for bus drivers.
Obama has been battered by economic problems and a falling approval rating. But he finally got some good news — Michele Bachmann won the Iowa straw poll and could be the Republican nominee!
Bill "Master of the Backhanded Compliment" Clinton called Rick Perry a "good looking rascal." For those of you unfamiliar with Clinton's style, what Clinton just did was subtly suggest to every voter that Perry is a rascal.
In Iowa, President Obama gave a speech from in front of a barn. What his team didn't tell you is that before the Obama economic plan kicked in this was a mega-mall.
Moammar Gadhafi just fired a SCUD missile, which of course stands for Stupid Crazy Useless Dictator.
This would have made Gadhafi a force to be reckoned with if it was 1989.
The granddaughter of former president George H.W. Bush — Lauren Bush — is going to marry the son of designer Ralph Lauren, David Lauren. After the wedding she will be Lauren Lauren. If ever there was a good argument for a woman from a conservative, Republican family to keep her own name post-marriage, this is it.
When they heard someone was going to go by Lauren Lauren, Chad Ochocinco and Metta World Peace began screaming, "Yes! Yes!"
Plans are under way to build the world's tallest building. Let's hope this has nothing to do with the new downtown Omaha Zesto.
Australian officials are now claiming that crop circles in their country are formed by wallabies stoned on opium. Wasn't that one of the defense theories in the Casey Anthony trial?
Last night, I thought I was watching a movie about Sodom and Gomorrah. Turned out to be a documentary on University of Miami football recruiting.
The University of Miami football program has been linked to prostitutes, under-the-table payments, illegal gifts, lies and cover-ups. It's so bad this is being called the 17th or 18th biggest scandal in Miami football history.
A Fremont high school student got a record goldfish that's 17 inches long. Kids have always had funerals for departed goldfish, but this funeral featured pallbearers.
Boise State fired its athletic director. They have their priorities. Apparently the football field clashed with the new drapes in the press box.
Texas A&M; may be leaving the Big 12, it's rumored that Missouri may leave the Big 12. Now the worst news of all for the Big 12: Baylor is staying.
A Texan sent an eight-word tweet to win a scholarship to a Master's program at the University of Iowa. An eight-word tweet? I prefer the old-fashioned method for determining scholarship winners - letting them try to make a shot from 80-feet during halftime of a basketball game.
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